Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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