my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
