I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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