I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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