Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My feet surprised me
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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