she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
