be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
