you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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