i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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