she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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