I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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