why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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