Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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