I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
