"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude i'm inner monologue high
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
