with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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