Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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