Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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