Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
