question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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