I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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