Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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