maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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