sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Come see our sink grown plant.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just invented taco cereal.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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