Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
