Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
