I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
