im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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