Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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