i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
