I need help removing her.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
