I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
