when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
