No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
