I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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