Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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