id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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