On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
