my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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