Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize