Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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