he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
