Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
