Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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