Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
