You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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