I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
