just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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