Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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