I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
