I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
