I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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