They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
