so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
