I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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