I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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