Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
All I want is dick and wine.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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