Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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