after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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