Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
